You Only Live Once

You Only Live Once

For the last few weeks I have been attending the Wednesday night Bible Study at my friend's church. We have been doing a Beth Moore study on the book of Daniel, which has been excellent so far. The study has us dig deep into God's Word and brings up some very thought provoking questions. We are in chapter 2 of Daniel where Nebuchadnezzar has that dream about the statue that really shook him to the point where he threatened and bribed others to figure out the interpretation of this dream. So in the "homework" for this week, there was a question about if we have ever had a "spirit-striking dream" (I think that is how the question was said). 

Now I don't think that God has given me any prophetic dreams or anything. I think that God has said all He has needed to say in the Bible and that He is not going to give any additional information out in dreams. But I think that God can use dreams to stir our hearts a little. I have had several heart stirring dreams, dreams that have made me wake up in the middle of the night and cry out to God seeking forgiveness and seeking to repent from the sins in my life. When I have been very bitter and angry at certain people, I have had dreams that have made me wake up and realize that I need to forgive. When I have been falling away from God, I have had dreams that have made me reevaluate my life and have given me a new determination to get back in touch with God. It was really interesting that after having one such dream, that we are talking about powerful dreams in this Bible study.

A few weeks ago when I was extremely sick, I was trying to look at my throat in the bathroom mirror with a flashlight. I was trying to figure out if I had signs of strep throat or mono or something that would explain why my throat was sore. Instead of finding anything wrong with my throat, I found this little blackish, brownish dot on the inside of my cheek. If you truly know me, then you know that of course I completely freaked out. I thought I was dying of oral cancer, and so for the next day or so, I secretly held on to this worry that caused me great anxiety. For the next day or so, I actually thought that I had cancer and that I was going to die.

A few nights after this bathroom incident, I had my heart stirring, or "spirit-striking" dream. I had a dream that I actually had oral cancer, and that it had metastasized (I think that's the right word, but I didn't bother looking it up) and had spread everywhere in my body. There was no help left. No more treatments available. My body was deteriorating and I was literally on my death bed. My dream ended with me feeling a mixture of fear, anxiety, and extreme distress as I felt like my breath was being sucked out of me and darkness was closing in. My last thoughts were "I can't die now, I am so young, I have not gotten far in my life, I haven't done that much for Christ!"

You Only Live Once

 I know that kids these days used to (maybe they still do, I don't know what's hip anymore) say this phrase to justify doing stupid stuff all the time. Let me go out and get wasted because I only have this chance to. Let me go out and be promiscuous because I only have this life. Let me go out and drive 180 on the highway because why not, this is my only chance, etc. etc. etc. Going out and doing whatever you want because there is only one chance to, that's not the right sort of thinking. But you know what? We do only live once so we should make the best of it. 

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying to go out and do whatever you please. I am saying that God gave us a purpose here on Earth and we only get this one chance to live out that purpose. We get only this one chance to serve and bring glory to God on this Earth. And not only that, it's such a short chance that can end unexpectedly. When God calls us home, our work here on Earth is done. We don't get a do-over, we don't get to come back and try to do things differently. This is our chance to lead others to Christ, to be salt and light in the world, to spread the Gospel. I don't think we will get to do those things in heaven. This is it. This is our time. And it's short and it can end at any time. 

Thankfully, I don't think I have oral cancer. Actually when I woke up from that dream I had this nagging feeling that I needed to go check my mouth again. I couldn't go back to sleep until I checked my mouth. When I did, that spot was no longer there. It turned out to be just a burst blood vessel I think. I chew on the inside of my jaw sometimes, so maybe that caused it. Whatever the case, it had healed and that worrisome dot was no longer there. I felt such relief and was finally able to go back to sleep, but even though I knew I was in the clear, I still felt the sobering thought of my mortality. I may not be dying from oral cancer at the moment, but I could some day. Or something else. I am going to die from something at some point. I am not dead yet, but my next second isn't guaranteed. I could die within the next hour, or next day, or next week, or not for another 50 years. Who knows? In the grand scheme of things though, our lives are short, wisps of smoke that can fade in an instant. So we should make the best of our chance to shine for Christ here on this Earth.

In my dream, in my final moments, I felt anxiety because I was about to meet the God of the universe, my Creator, and I felt like I had not served Him well. I thought of all the sin I was letting run rampant in my life, all the moments I should have told others more about the love of Christ, all the things I should have been doing. I know that no matter how much I do in life, I cannot gain love and favor from God, so that's not what I was seeking. But I thought of here's this Awesome and Incredible God who has done so much for me, who has showed me such great love, and what have I done to show my love for Him? Not Much.

My dream stirred me. It made me realize that I have been going through the motions and getting caught up with everything, but I haven't been really showing love towards my Heavenly Father. I haven't been the salt and light that I should be. There are some people in my life who probably don't even know I am a Christian because my faith has not shown very much. If I asked myself what have I done for God recently, I would come up empty. I feel like I have wasted so much of my life up until now, and that's a shame, because we only get this one life. That dream reminded me that my time is short, so I better kick things into high gear and get going on actively trying to be Christ-like and growing in my faith.

Life is too short to be wasting on pointless things. Life is too short for us to be going through the motions and not truly living out or faith and growing closer to God. We only live once, let's live it out strong in faith, shining bright!

Well, that's all she wrote. 

Gabby

 

The Joy of (Other's) Salvation

As Christians, we should want everyone to experience the joy of salvation and the most loving thing that we can do is to plant those seeds that lead them down the road to experiencing that salvation. I think sometimes it's hard to see people we don't like get anything positive. I think sometimes it's hard for us to witness some people receiving salvation. We think that these people are so horrible and nasty and have done so much wrong to us or others that we believe they don't deserve salvation. I think that sometimes we avoid spreading the Gospel to people we dislike because we are afraid they will receive salvation. 

That's absurd! We shouldn't have negative feelings when people we don't like receive salvation because you know what? No one is righteous, no one is better than another or more deserving of another. 

Christ died for ALL

 "and he died for all, that those who live might no longer live for themselves but for him who for their sake died and was raised"

2 Corinthians 5:15

I had a moment this week where I saw someone I don't like receiving salvation. And I am so thankful that God put joy in my heart about that, because that's what's supposed to happen. Angels rejoice when someone is saved, we should too.  

I have students who I love dearly and who I would give anything to make sure they are taken care of. And then I have students who challenge me to remain loving and positive towards them. I think every teacher has that one student who you butt heads with constantly, who pushes your buttons always. I have that student who I have been butting heads with continuously for the last 2 and a half years. But something happened on Thursday that totally changed my heart towards this kid. 

On Thursday I got to be a part of an FCA (Fellowship of Christian Athletes) rally after school, and it was one of the most amazing experiences I have ever gotten to be a part of. We had about 50 kids, maybe more, I'm not good at estimating numbers of people. They got to have fun hanging out, winning cool prizes, and playing silly games. They also got to hear an amazing Christian message that I could tell really stirred their hearts. 

The message seemed to stir the heart of a kid that I didn't expect it affect. He's my kid that I butt heads with all the time for his disrespectful and extremely rude behavior. And yet, as the speaker prepared the kids for the time of invitation, as we had our heads bowed, I could see out the corner of my eye this kid getting fidgety. When the speaker asked students to stand if they wanted to receive Christ for the first time, this kid stood right up, and I had to hold back a flood of tears.

Here is this kid, this kid I don't get along with, and he wants salvation! And I cried tears of joy that he wanted to make that decision! My emotions about this kid surprised me. There were several other kids who made a stand for wanting salvation or wanting to rededicate their lives to Christ, several other kids who I liked better, who I had a better relationship with, who were better behaved kids. And yet, my tears of joy were coming more because my trouble child wanted salvation. 

Thursday I was reminded that people receiving salvation is a beautiful and joyous thing. And it shouldn't matter if we get along with that person or if they are our least favorite person in the world. It should bring us joy to know that another person is turning away from their sins, that another person has been forgiven, that another person has been rescued from eternal damnation. The salvation of others should bring us joy just like our salvation should bring us joy. 

Thursday challenged me to think more positive of all of my students, and well everyone I come in contact with. It challenged me to remember that everyone needs compassion, everyone needs a savior (yes, the song Mighty to Save is in my head right now), and we shouldn't withhold the seeds of salvation from people because of how we may feel about them. It challenged me to remember that ALL of my students are spiritual beings, that the states of their souls are in question, that I should be praying for ALL of them and doing what I can as a teacher to help ALL of them grow in their faith and to point ALL of them to the Gospel. 

I still am feeling such joy over Thursday night. And I have this renewed zeal to be a brighter light for Christ at work and everywhere I go because seeing people saved or getting back on the right track with their faith produces seriously one of the most amazing feelings ever.

*Several students made very important decisions Thursday night. Please pray with me that those who received Christ for the first time will grow and flourish in their faith. And pray that those who rededicated their lives to Christ will have a renewed zeal for living out their faith.*

Until another time, this has been a Bit of Gab!

-Gabby

  

How Facebook Brings Out the Worst In Me

How Facebook Brings Out the Worst In Me

First of all, it's been a REALLY long time since I have had this blog up and running. I have been thinking about putting it back up and thought, well maybe it will be helpful, we'll see. And so it begins!

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It doesn't take long for you to do a google search to discover reasons why social media sites like Facebook are bad. There's issues with cyber bullying, comparing your life to the lives of everyone else, jealousy, cheating, getting in trouble with someone by speaking your mind without thinking, all sorts of issues right? We all know those issues, and yet we are glued to social media because we think it keeps us attached to others or keeps us in the know or we are just so bored or we are just plain addicted and can't give it up. Whatever the reason, social media rules the lives of everyone these days and that may or may not be a bad thing. Now I'm not going to preach to you and tell you why you should give it up. I just want to share the story of how brought out the very worst in me and so I gave it up.

In the beginning of December I gave up the joint Facebook account Noah and I have. It was something that was a long time coming, but one event was what gave me the push to do what I needed to do. I had a case of word vomit, saying what was on my mind without thinking, in what I intended to be total innocence but what turned out to be incredibly harmful and thoughtless. And being the perfectionist goodie two shoes that I am, that slammed me with immense guilt. And that guilt piled upon the other guilt I had been harboring for all the other things I can't forgive myself for like the other times I have said something sort of mean on Facebook, and mistakes I have made at work in previous years, and the fact that I can't wash dishes and do laundry in a timely manner to save my life, and the hurtful things I have said to my husband 5 years ago when we were silly and dating and immature, and the way I missed my friend's birthday party when I was in 9th grade, and that time in 6th grade when I did that, and the time in preschool when I did this, and, and, and, and, and, and.............And so my depression that I have been battling on and off for the last several years because I can't forgive myself, was fueled once more. 

Things Facebook Brought Out in Me:

My thoughtlessness/rudness

Inability to Forgive Myself

Depression 

 That event alone wasn't what made me shut Facebook down. Facebook brings out a lot of other negative things in me. Like envy and anger and immaturity.

There was a time this fall where 3 people I know announced their pregnancies in the same week. And I am ashamed to say that it made me break down and cry actual tears. I really want to have kids. But my bank account and common sense are telling me "Please don't bring a baby into this world yet, you are SO NOT READY!!" So watching all of the people I know getting to experience this joy, this joy that I so badly want to experience but I can't yet, it hurts. And all of the attention they receive hurts too. I have felt all of my life extremely invisible. I have felt all of my life that I don't have anything exciting to give or anything of worth going on in my life. As I watch everyone around me get tons of attention on every post about their pregnancy or the kids they have and I watch how it feels like no one cares about my boring little life, I sink deeper and deeper into depression. The thought has crossed my mind more than once this past fall that no one cares about me and my pathetic little life, so I should just end it. 

So to add to the list:

My thoughtlessness/rudness

Inability to Forgive Myself

Depression

Envy

Anger

Immaturity

Thoughts of Suicide

But that's not all. Scrolling through Facebook has brought up my feelings of inadequacy. I look at the lives that all of the women around me, I look at everything they are accomplishing, and then I look at myself. I don't measure up. Every dish I own is in the sink dirty right now. All my friends give me tips to help dishes from piling up, but they work for me for all of two seconds and then I am right back to being a slob. I have probably a month's worth of laundry to put away. Tips for that don't seem to help me either. I've made a cleaning chart like all of my friends have, it makes me cry when I pass it in the hallway because I can't accomplish it. The only food I know how to cook makes Noah and I fat. Why can't I make all of these wonderful healthy meals like my friends make their husbands? Why do I not have some huge successful ministry on top of raising kids or working a full time job? Why can I barely accomplish anything? Why can't I find the time to follow beauty tips and have flawless hair and makeup every day? Why don't I have beautiful outfits every day? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? That, my friends, is the game of comparison that I play every time I log on to Facebook. 

My thoughtlessness

Inability to Forgive Myself

Depression

Envy

Anger

Thoughts of Suicide

Feelings of Inadequacy

Low Self Esteem

Anxiety/Stress/Feeling Overwhelmed

For the last few years I have had friends tell me lots of helpful things to battle all of those things. I've been told not to compare myself to others, been told to enjoy the moment and season that I am in, been told to just stop and think before I speak, been told that I am fearfully and wonderfully made, been told I am deeply loved and cherished and cared about. All of those things are helpful, but, as long as I continued to log onto Facebook, logic and reason and wisdom and all of those words go out the door and back into the pit of despair I fell.

God tells us to flee from temptation. And He tells us that a way out of temptation will be provided. That's what I needed, to flee from what brings all of these negative thoughts and feelings about myself and negative traits I have. And getting rid of Facebook was my way out. 

I went from December 7 to January 13th without Facebook, and during that time I felt the most emotionally healthy that I have in a long time. I'd like to think that I was more thoughtful with my words. I didn't feel envy and anger over my friend's lives. I didn't have as many breakdowns over my inability to keep the house clean. I felt better about myself and I'd like to think that I treated people better. 

 My Facebook is back up, not for me to look at anything or post anything, it's just up for my Bible Study Facebook group, but I hope that it won't cause me to fall backwards.And if it does, I know what I need to do again.

Facebook brought out the worst in me. I can't blame it for things that were already inside of me, it's just that it made a lot of things inside of me rear its evil head. I don't want to be someone who says thoughtless things or who is filled with envy and bitterness and anger over the most joy filled parts of my friend's lives. I don't want to feel inadequate and like I am worth nothing, because I am worth a lot! I don't want Facebook to bring out the worst in me. So off with it, I say! 

Anyways, this has been a Bit of Gab. Until next time, 

Gabby