How Facebook Brings Out the Worst In Me

How Facebook Brings Out the Worst In Me

First of all, it's been a REALLY long time since I have had this blog up and running. I have been thinking about putting it back up and thought, well maybe it will be helpful, we'll see. And so it begins!

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It doesn't take long for you to do a google search to discover reasons why social media sites like Facebook are bad. There's issues with cyber bullying, comparing your life to the lives of everyone else, jealousy, cheating, getting in trouble with someone by speaking your mind without thinking, all sorts of issues right? We all know those issues, and yet we are glued to social media because we think it keeps us attached to others or keeps us in the know or we are just so bored or we are just plain addicted and can't give it up. Whatever the reason, social media rules the lives of everyone these days and that may or may not be a bad thing. Now I'm not going to preach to you and tell you why you should give it up. I just want to share the story of how brought out the very worst in me and so I gave it up.

In the beginning of December I gave up the joint Facebook account Noah and I have. It was something that was a long time coming, but one event was what gave me the push to do what I needed to do. I had a case of word vomit, saying what was on my mind without thinking, in what I intended to be total innocence but what turned out to be incredibly harmful and thoughtless. And being the perfectionist goodie two shoes that I am, that slammed me with immense guilt. And that guilt piled upon the other guilt I had been harboring for all the other things I can't forgive myself for like the other times I have said something sort of mean on Facebook, and mistakes I have made at work in previous years, and the fact that I can't wash dishes and do laundry in a timely manner to save my life, and the hurtful things I have said to my husband 5 years ago when we were silly and dating and immature, and the way I missed my friend's birthday party when I was in 9th grade, and that time in 6th grade when I did that, and the time in preschool when I did this, and, and, and, and, and, and.............And so my depression that I have been battling on and off for the last several years because I can't forgive myself, was fueled once more. 

Things Facebook Brought Out in Me:

My thoughtlessness/rudness

Inability to Forgive Myself

Depression 

 That event alone wasn't what made me shut Facebook down. Facebook brings out a lot of other negative things in me. Like envy and anger and immaturity.

There was a time this fall where 3 people I know announced their pregnancies in the same week. And I am ashamed to say that it made me break down and cry actual tears. I really want to have kids. But my bank account and common sense are telling me "Please don't bring a baby into this world yet, you are SO NOT READY!!" So watching all of the people I know getting to experience this joy, this joy that I so badly want to experience but I can't yet, it hurts. And all of the attention they receive hurts too. I have felt all of my life extremely invisible. I have felt all of my life that I don't have anything exciting to give or anything of worth going on in my life. As I watch everyone around me get tons of attention on every post about their pregnancy or the kids they have and I watch how it feels like no one cares about my boring little life, I sink deeper and deeper into depression. The thought has crossed my mind more than once this past fall that no one cares about me and my pathetic little life, so I should just end it. 

So to add to the list:

My thoughtlessness/rudness

Inability to Forgive Myself

Depression

Envy

Anger

Immaturity

Thoughts of Suicide

But that's not all. Scrolling through Facebook has brought up my feelings of inadequacy. I look at the lives that all of the women around me, I look at everything they are accomplishing, and then I look at myself. I don't measure up. Every dish I own is in the sink dirty right now. All my friends give me tips to help dishes from piling up, but they work for me for all of two seconds and then I am right back to being a slob. I have probably a month's worth of laundry to put away. Tips for that don't seem to help me either. I've made a cleaning chart like all of my friends have, it makes me cry when I pass it in the hallway because I can't accomplish it. The only food I know how to cook makes Noah and I fat. Why can't I make all of these wonderful healthy meals like my friends make their husbands? Why do I not have some huge successful ministry on top of raising kids or working a full time job? Why can I barely accomplish anything? Why can't I find the time to follow beauty tips and have flawless hair and makeup every day? Why don't I have beautiful outfits every day? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? That, my friends, is the game of comparison that I play every time I log on to Facebook. 

My thoughtlessness

Inability to Forgive Myself

Depression

Envy

Anger

Thoughts of Suicide

Feelings of Inadequacy

Low Self Esteem

Anxiety/Stress/Feeling Overwhelmed

For the last few years I have had friends tell me lots of helpful things to battle all of those things. I've been told not to compare myself to others, been told to enjoy the moment and season that I am in, been told to just stop and think before I speak, been told that I am fearfully and wonderfully made, been told I am deeply loved and cherished and cared about. All of those things are helpful, but, as long as I continued to log onto Facebook, logic and reason and wisdom and all of those words go out the door and back into the pit of despair I fell.

God tells us to flee from temptation. And He tells us that a way out of temptation will be provided. That's what I needed, to flee from what brings all of these negative thoughts and feelings about myself and negative traits I have. And getting rid of Facebook was my way out. 

I went from December 7 to January 13th without Facebook, and during that time I felt the most emotionally healthy that I have in a long time. I'd like to think that I was more thoughtful with my words. I didn't feel envy and anger over my friend's lives. I didn't have as many breakdowns over my inability to keep the house clean. I felt better about myself and I'd like to think that I treated people better. 

 My Facebook is back up, not for me to look at anything or post anything, it's just up for my Bible Study Facebook group, but I hope that it won't cause me to fall backwards.And if it does, I know what I need to do again.

Facebook brought out the worst in me. I can't blame it for things that were already inside of me, it's just that it made a lot of things inside of me rear its evil head. I don't want to be someone who says thoughtless things or who is filled with envy and bitterness and anger over the most joy filled parts of my friend's lives. I don't want to feel inadequate and like I am worth nothing, because I am worth a lot! I don't want Facebook to bring out the worst in me. So off with it, I say! 

Anyways, this has been a Bit of Gab. Until next time, 

Gabby